Before I start today's tirade (and yes it very well may be a tirade), I feel I must give the disclaimer that I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN IT...but sometimes I get tired. Tired of pleasing people. Tired of meeting other people's expectations. Tired of doing favors. Tired of watching the senseless tantrums of fully grown adults. Tired of being invited to other people's pity parties (They are never adequately catered). Tired of answering my phone. Tired of spending so much time in my car. Tired of having a dress code at work when I am waiting on people who won't even pull up their pants. Tired of the fact that my car window doesn't roll down (Do you ever wonder why the driver's side window always goes first?). Tired of the way that my grown children will continue to say Mom! Mom! Momma! Mom! Mom! until I get up and go to them (and then they ask me something stupid like "Do we have any popcorn?" or "When is Labor Day?") I could go on (and on and on) but I think it suffices to say that I am just tired.
I guess as adults we wear so many hats (i.e; the parental hat, the child hat, the employee hat, the sibling, hat, the spousal hat, the citizen hat, the volunteer hat, the student hat, the teacher hat, the friend hat, the neighbor hat, etc...) that changing hats can get exhausting and honestly just make your hair fall out (Why do you think hair starts thinning as we age? More and more hats, that's why!) I enjoy all of the hats I wear, even the ones I complain the most about, but I never get to wear them long enough. Right when I settle down to watch a movie with my fantastic husband, the phone rings and someone's car has broken down. My husband has to then take off husband hat and put on mechanic hat. I am in my Mimi hat (I picture it with polka dots) baking cookies with my grand kids and I realize that it almost time to pick up my daughter from work, time to don the chauffeur's cap. I am at work, in my library bonnet, and I get a call from my son's school and it is mom time. So, I throw on my bright yellow hard hat with an attached spelunking light (because being a mom is hard work) and take the call. We leave work to vote - two hats. We do laundry on our lunch hour - another hat. In one day we can make breakfast for our families, go to work, counsel our friends, banter with our adversaries, shop, do yard work, call our parents, laugh with our siblings, help with homework, and make love to our spouses... and that's on a light day. It is not just the head that gets tired, the back is nearly broken from lugging around all of the gear it takes to be suited up properly. And I don't know if you notice, but I do, there doesn't ever seem time to wear the ME hat - Mine is a Raspberry Beret. (You know, the kind you find in a second hand store.)
I remember in my teens (The teen years that I wasn't pregnant or raising children), I would dance around carelessly wearing that hat. I would sleep until noon without one person calling me and asking me for a favor or wondering what candidate I will be voting for in the upcoming election. I would go to the movies without guilt for not spending my last twenty dollars on the action figure that my grandson really wants. I didn't spend every waking moment worried about what type of example I was setting. And I never had to hide junk food in my room to keep my kid from eating it all. I was just free. Free to be me.
But, I guess I was also a little lonely, too. I spent infinite time trying to make plans outside of the house. Hours at the Mall, I now loathe. I was so excited at the opportunity to vote and be a "counted" citizen. I fantasized about working at the library I now work at. And couldn't have imagined being so lucky to have the husband I married. So, I guess I asked for all of these hats and love every single one. I think I will just have to work a bit harder at occasionally placing them all aside and letting my hair blow freely in the wind (I mean, if I have a fresh relaxer) and then I will grab my Raspberry Beret, curl up in my bed with my dog, my husband, and a bowl of cheese popcorn, and watch the Sci-Fi channel for hours. Because that is my Me hat and it always fits just right.
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