Dear Davis

As a result of my witty and mildly coherent blog ramblings, tons of people have started turning to me for advice. (Well, maybe not tons, but some people... OK, OK, a few people... Alright, nobody actually has come to me for advice but when I eavesdrop and add my two cents nobody really complains. They may not even take my advice but they don't complain.) Therefore, I thought that it was my DUTY to share my wealth of wisdom (yeah, right) with my readers. So in order to start the ball rolling, I have simulated a few inquiries for counsel and some of my very well thought out answers.(These questions are based on conversations that I have overheard other people having... Yeah, I know that sounds kind of stalker creepy but sometimes I am) Please Read!

Dear Davis:

I have a close friend whom I love dearly but I think she has a problem. She and her live-in boyfriend keep adopting children from various countries. They have like seven already and I think she might be pregnant now. She seems to love them all but because she has so many, she's resorted to tattooing their birth order and country they were adopted from on the backs of their necks. I just find it all rather disturbing. Do you think I should say something or continue to support her habit.

signed, Godmother of 7 and counting - CA

Dear Godmother:

It is obvious that your friend has a problem. Sit Angie and Brad down and tell them how you are feeling. Explain that you applaud their interest in global exploration but that they should just collect shot-glasses or key chains like the rest of us. Keep me posted!

- D

Dear Davis:

I am a fabulous looking guy in my mid-30s. I drive a nice car. I have a fantastic career and own my own home, which is in a great neighborhood and impeccably decorated. I am surrounded daily by great friends and family, as well as, two cats and a dog. However, I have a hole in my heart and my life feels incomplete. I have never been married or had a serious relationship and despite my attempts have had absolutely NO luck meeting the woman of my dreams. I need help.

signed, Lonely Heart - AK

Dear Lonely Heart:

I think that you are having trouble meeting the girl of your dreams for two reasons. 1.) You come across as a bit arrogant and that can be a real "turn off" to some people. And 2.) You're GAY! Extremely and undeniably Super Gay... and there is nothing wrong with that. Stop trying to meet your "Beautiful Barbie" and start trying to get it on with "G.I. Gigolo". Believe me, any holes that you have won't go unfilled for long! Good Luck!

-D

Dear Davis:

I recently found out that my fiance slept with my best friend. He is now my EX-fiance and she is my EX-best friend. It has been 6 months since it happened and I have pretty much moved on with my life but I still want revenge. What should I do?

signed, Wants Vengeance - IL

Dear Vengeance,

I hope that you know that you have conquered the hard part by getting rid of people who were obviously not worthy of your time. Revenge will not heal your heart any faster or make you feel any better about what has happened. That being said, if you still want revenge I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

• Exchange a 50 dollar bill for ones, on each one write "For a good blow job, call..." and then write your ex's full name and phone number (remember to include the area code) and then spend those dollars at any local gay bar.



• Design fake Department of Public Health letter head and then compose a letter to your EX-friend stating that "an undisclosed partner" has tested positive for both Syphilis and Gonorrhea and that she needs to report to the Public Health building on a specific date and time with a full list of sexual partners. (Be there with friends and a camera!)
  
  
• If you can get access to his car - Fill an old duffel bag with duct tape, rope, latex gloves, a tube of whore red lipstick, a ratty blond wig, a pocket knife, half a bottle of Vodka, and seven bottles of Tylenol PM. Write on a piece of paper a list of 6 random women's names but cross through 5 of them, place this in the duffel bag as well. When your ex is out for the evening place it just beneath the back seat of his car and wait. When you are sure he is behind the wheel call the police and report his car for driving erratically. It will be hilarious! TRUST ME!

I hope that these sample letters have given you some sense of my ability to give thoughtful and astute advice. If any of you have any situations that you would like hear my opinion on, please do not hesitate to e-mail me at olivesandunderpants@comcast.net.

Seriously e-mail me! I really would like to hear from you!

(I've only received one e-mail so far, and it was from my silly proof-reader.)