Even though it was just my sister and I growing up, we were always surrounded by family. My Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles, fake Aunts and Uncles, cousins, fake cousins, you know dozens and dozens of people that we loved and who loved us. But unfortunately, we did not get to spend a lot of time with my dad's family. My dad had nine brothers and sisters but they were scattered around the country with their own families. So, when we did get to see them it was always an adventure.
My great Aunt, let's call her Helena, was a bit eccentric. For most of my childhood she lived only a couple hours away, so we would go see her from time to time. She lived in a great apartment, in a big city, and loved to spoil the people she loved. Sounds great, right? Sure it does... However, I was not one of those people (Too be fair, she probably loved me but I was definitely not one of her favorite people but my sister, Dani, was). We went to see her around my 13th birthday and she was very generous to give me $25 Gift Certificate to Saks Fifth Avenue. I was genuinely excited and grateful. I was in St. Louis and was going to get to go to SAKS FIFTH AVENUE! I couldn't believe it! I was even happy when she told me she had a little something for Dani, too. Because she was younger, Aunt Helena was worried Dani might get jealous. And then she handed my sister her gift... an emerald ring. Yeah, you heard me. It was my birthday and I got a gift certificate but Dani got an emerald. (I guess my sister was one of her favorite people and that was just fine with me because the older Aunt Helena got the stranger she got)
During one of her last stays at our house, Aunt Helena completed her journey from eccentric to, as my father would put it, "nuttier than a damn fruitcake". Her visit started off simply enough. We all sat around talking.
"How are you doing in school, sweetheart?", she asked my sister.
Then she turned to me, "And you, are you doing any better?"
"Are you still in gymnastics, Dani?" she inquired.
Then she turned to me, "I see you finally lost some weight".
"Dani, you know it is never to early to think about colleges. The good ones start looking at candidates early."
Then she turned to me, "I hear there is a nice community college here in town." That is kind of how the whole conversation went. I'm sure you get the picture. She was, however, oddly interested when I told her that I had a boyfriend. She asked his name. Did he make good grades? Was he into sports? Did my parents know his family? And then, she suggested that he join us for dinner. I was ecstatic! This was the most attention that Aunt Helena had ever paid me. So I jumped on the phone and called my boyfriend.
As my mom put dinner out, we all (my boyfriend included) sat around the table and waited for Aunt Helena, who had gone upstairs to get her "beauty rest". We waited... and waited... and waited. But I did not get upset or complain. I was just happy that Aunt Helena was finally interested in me and my life. I hated the fact that she had never really cared for me. She was my grandma's sister. The grandma I had never had a chance to know. So, this was my chance to have a sort of "grandma" substitute. And I was so proud to introduce my boyfriend to her. When I heard her coming down the steps, I smiled excitedly at my boyfriend and said, "Here comes my Aunt Helena". And in she came, all right. She walked into our kitchen. Well rested. With a fresh wig and make-up on. Smiling warmly. A youthful spring in her step. Wearing a pink and white incredibly see-through negligee with nothing underneath. Nothing! Nothing at all! Completely commando! I swear to Bob, I almost died. What the hell was she thinking? For a moment, I wondered if it had been an accident, maybe she was just senile. But I looked deep into her eyes hoping to find some signs of dementia and I found none. She was just an evil old crazy exhibitionist!
We all ate dinner in silence that night and although I would love to tell you how everyone was reacting, I can't because I never looked up from my plate. This was another one of those "olives and underpants" moments that only family can cause and after that I was TRULY glad that I wasn't Aunt Helena's favorite. And believe me when I tell you that I would sacrifice every birthday gift given to me by anyone to undo the damage done to me by viewing Aunt Helena's 75 year-old chiffon draped bits 'n' pieces across the table from a plate of meat loaf and mashed potatoes.
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