Light as a feather - Stiff as a board

When my sister was 5 and I was 7, we experienced one of our first rites of passage in to "girlhood"- the slumber party. But since I was only 7 and nothing particularly mortifying happened to me, I do not remember much about this event... except one thing - one of our guest, Jennifer Rose, flipped out somewhere in the middle of the evening and demanded that we all stop (including my parents) and watch the way her nightgown flowed behind her as she walked down the steps. At that age I had no idea what mental instability was and I sure as shit didn't know what a narcissist was but goodness golly, I am sure that girl turned out to be a real piece of work. However, outside of the diva nutcase, the evening was a success. And what spells Slumber Party success? Let me tell you.

For any slumber party to be a hit there must be:

• FOOD and lots of it. Root Beer, Ice Cream, Pizza, Cupcakes, Orange Soda, Popcorn, Doritos, and to be safe you should probably pick up some Red Vines. If the party attendees are under 12, at least one girl will throw up. At this point, all of the girls will gather around and comfort her until her mom comes and gets her (After she leaves the meanest girl will begin to make fun of her and no one will step in to defend her). If the party attendees are between the ages of 12 and 15 they will all pig out (until the meanest girl points out just how fat she thinks everyone is and then she goes to call her "older" boyfriend, leaving the others to mull over what cows they are). Now if the party attendees are over the age of 15, at least one girl will sneak in Bacardi or Everclear and one girl will be tempted to tell. (That girl will be tortured for the rest of the night. At some point the meanest girl will make her cry!) However, If you are really lucky the party host's parents will be stress drinkers and get incredibly drunk. The dad will try to dance and the mom, trying to reclaim her youth, will start participating in all of the "girl talk"... slurring her words, while saying things like "I was the shit when I was your age, all tits and hair. Dated the quarter back, until I got knocked up. Then he left and my tits fell but at least I got you baby girl..."
  
  
• GAMES. Little girl slumber parties usually have games like Simon Says, Uno, Telephone and Tag (the meanest girl usually zeroes in on the fattest girl and makes sure that everyone always makes her "it"). Pre-teen sleepovers generally have games of Light as a Feather - Stiff as a Board, Twister, Dance Dance Revolution, and Truth or Dare (during Truth or Dare the meanest girl will either make the shyest girl confess what boy she likes or make the most flat-chested girl show everyone her boobs). Older girls play Truth or Dare, too but believe me the Truths and Dares are much worse (Truth - How many boys have you had sex with? Dare - Wendy , I dare you to french Lisa. You know that sort of thing. Again, the meanest girl, stirs the pot and someone either confesses to an eating disorder or comes clean about making out with her best friend's boyfriend in the back of the bus on the way home from a track meet.)
  
  
• SECRETS. Secrets are the cornerstone of any good slumber party, that doesn't change with age. The secrets, of course, do. Varying from "I don't think there really is a Santa Claus... I think my Daddy leaves the gifts" to "I once saw my Mom and Dad doing it", the questions run the gambit but the "mean girl" is always there revealing nothing, remembering everything! (She will then wait about a week or two before she "accidentally" spills all the secrets in the most humiliating way possible) However, when it comes to secrets the meanest girl isn't the only one to watch-out for. During a supposedly "mean girl" free slumber party I had in the 6th grade, several of my BFF's found my diary and read my five page tribute to Jeff Crum (Dear Diary, I know it sounds crazy because he really doesn't talk to me but I am pretty sure that Jeff loves me as much as I love him. On '50s day, he looked so cool with his hair slicked back. I swear he looked just like Fonzie and when I said that my '50s skirt made me look fat he said "You look the same". I swear I almost died. And when he gets on the bus , his eyes lock with mine and I know that he can see straight into my soul...). Of course they told him everything and apparently he was NOT in love with me and could NOT see straight into my soul.

I know I have not painted the most pleasant picture of Slumber Parties (Boys fantasize that we are all in our underwear holding slow motion pillow fights) but believe it or not they really are fun. It is where girls learn the survival skills to be women. We learn not to trust other women and really not to trust BITCHY other women. We learn that we should eat what ever we want... just not in front of anyone else. We learn that ALL women play games. We learn to treat our present friends as if they could be our future enemies, so we should never pick dare and when telling the truth we should lie. But what Slumber Parties taught me is that if I have any deep, dark secrets that could potentially cause me any sort of embarrassment, DO NOT put them in a diary... put them on a blog for the world to see.