Nancy Drew & the Mystery of the Smoking Gun

Growing up with my parents was no easy task. They were loving and supportive. Intelligent and active in the community. People loved them... cashiers and bag-boys at the grocery store, teachers and principals, and worse yet, our friends. All of our friends adored our parents. My mother was very hands-on and always around and my father was the funniest person that I have ever known; Therefore, it stands to reason that all of my friends were drawn to them. I, of course, was mortified by this. I knew girls who were being raised by single mothers, who worked two jobs! My mother owned her own business and was married to my dad. I had friends who had step-brothers and step-sisters! My sister and l had the same mother and father, who were married until my father passed away. In contrast to my peers, my life felt very "vanilla pudding" (Well maybe a teensy bit tapioca). I guess that is why I was constantly trying to "get some dirt" on my parents. Now I realize that children are naturally curious creatures, but in retrospect I confess I may have been a smidgen worse than most.

At 10 years old, and after years of reading (and watching) a ton of Nancy Drew Mysteries, I was positive that I would make a genuinely great detective. And the key to detection is investigation. So, I would wait... and wait... and wait... until both of my parents were gone from home (they had to have plans to be gone for no less than two hours) and then I would make my move. Oddly. the first stop would be the dirty laundry basket. This is where I would begin to search my father's pockets, hoping that he may have forgotten to remove any small piece of evidence of a secret life I may need to know about. At this point, my evidence collected usually consisted of three or four pieces of Freshen Up gum (the gum that peed in your mouth), miscellaneous grocery and clothing receipts, and on one incredibly successful hunting trip - a token from the local "adult cinema" (Jackpot!). Once I was done with that I would, with cat-like prowess (I mean if the cat was over-weight and wasn't used to moving unless food was involved), move to their bedroom. Since I was convinced that my parents suspected my detective work, I was incredibly careful to leave everything exactly the way I found it. I searched in drawers, closets, and shoe boxes... everywhere. And then one day I found something new, a zipped bank bag stuffed between the mattress and box springs of my father's side of the bed. This had to be something important or else why would he have hidden it from us. My pulse (and my imagination) raced, I was so nervous! So, I did what any anxious 10 year-old girl would do... I ran and got my little sister. She wasn't afraid of anything! Nothing at all!

My baby sister never condoned my little investigations but would often consult with me on my findings. And even though she was only 8, I considered her to be the smartest person that I knew (No, really, she was!). So, I took the bag to her, The Wise One, and she opened it without any fear or hesitation! She gasped when she saw what was inside (I did, too... But only because she did, I had no idea what I was looking at). But she did! It seems that in my searching, I had happened upon a big bag full of pot (Marijuana, Giggle Weed, Smoke, Skunk, Mary Jane, Green, etc...). After briefly explaining to me what pot was, my sister went on autopilot. She called my mother at work (who immediately called my father - I would have loved to have heard that call) and then stripped my parents bed (I did not understand this move immediately but when it was all over, I had a new appreciation for my sister's genius).

By the time my parents made it home, The Wise One was livid (so of course I was, too). Her brow was furrowed and she was pacing. My dad, visibly nervous, tried to "explain" that he had taken the bag in question from a co-worker who had a drug problem. He went on to "explain" that I had taken it from him just before he could use it. My father beamed at his explanation.

"Why didn't you throw it away?", The Wise One asked.

"Uhhmm", my father stumbled, "I was afraid that if I threw it away some child might find it." My dad was actually sweating at this point.

The Wise One continued, "Why didn't you give it to the police?".

My mother and I just stood back and watched. I was in awe of my baby sister and my mother seemed to be smirking. My father, truly panicked at this point, countered, "What were you doing in my room?"

My sister unflinchingly replied, "We were trying to be nice and clean up around here. You and mom work so hard. We were about to wash your sheets and comforter as a surprise! I mean before we found the DRUGS!" (I told you she's a genius!)

My dad, finally realizing he had met his match, tensely replied, "I didn't call the police because I didn't want my co-worker to get in trouble. He has a family and is trying to get help."

My sister paused thoughtfully, "Then I guess we will just have to flush it." My father's eyes nearly fell out of his head! "We wouldn't want this falling into the wrong hands", she smiled sweetly and started our family parade up to the bathroom.

My father just stood there looking down at the toilet, completely defeated (probably mentally trying to figure out how much cash and relaxation would be flushed), when my sister handed him the bag and said, "You do it. I'm just a kid!" His hands trembled above the toilet and I swear I heard him whimper. Poor guy, he looked so broken. He looked like she had ordered him to sever a limb but she showed no mercy. "FLUSH... IT!", she commanded and he did. He flushed it all (and it was a BIG bag). My sister beamed. I was in shock. My mother was doing a poor job suppressing bursts of laughter. And daddy, he cried. When I asked him why, he said that he was just proud of us for doing the right thing.

I would like to tell you that was the last time I played Nancy Drew in my parents' room but it wasn't. I continued to do it until I started hiding my own stuff. However, after that day I never found anymore pot... only porn. But I guess you can't win every time.