Gifted Little Morons

First things first - I spoke to my mother yesterday morning and she was in a bit of a tither. Apparently she is fearful that my WWRCD post might be misconstrued as sacrilegious. That is certainly not at all how it was intended. 7th Heaven was one of the best shows on television and every time I watch it I do feel a little like I left a church service. It's story lines are always wholesome and positive and the messages are based on what my God wants for me - Love, Peace, Acceptance, and Charity. So, that is why my sister would call me a half an hour before the show would start and ask me what I was wearing to Bible Study tonight. That is also why I continually ask myself WWRCD- What Would Reverend Camden Do?… Not because I feel he takes the place of Jesus (between the WW and the D) but because a.) I know that Reverend Camden follows Jesus’ teachings and b.) it is hard to envision Jesus answering the door to a crackhead or contemplating beating his children (I have seen Reverend Camden in his household setting and I feel more comfortable using my imagination with him in these types of situations). And if it helps any, I also think WWFBD when I am walking to my car late at night (What Would Foxy Brown Do). However, I would like to apologize to my mother.

Mom - I would never purposely do anything to make the general public think you raised some sort of crazed heathen and I’m sorry.

Now for the rest of you, I feel I must share something close to my heart. Working in a Public Library I see all kinds of people from varying backgrounds, mindsets, and economic levels. Individuals and families wander in and out of the doors searching for ways to explore their genealogy, occupy their days since retirement, fulfill their romantic fantasies, research facts for school assignments, or simply to find an entertaining and educational book for their children or grandchildren. To sit back and watch the interaction of these people, all hunting for something that will add to their lives, can be quite amazing and beautiful and I feel so lucky everyday to be able to bear witness to this process. However, with the sweet comes the sour and for me the sour is those over-zealous, well meaning, super obnoxious parents who mistakenly believe that their child is gifted in some way. These are the parents who come to the counter with their “special” little pumpkin in tow and check out 50 to 60 picture books on whatever topic the mother is force feeding them at that moment (I swear to Michael J. Fox, no 4 year old – gifted or not – needs 37 books on Sea Turtles. 3 books should do it) while explaining to me why McKenna or John, Jr. is not like the other children that come to our library. “He doesn’t have a lot of friends because he sees things from a more mature viewpoint than all the other children in his play group.” Or “She just loves art! The first time she saw a photo of Venus De Milo she cried… It moved her that much. She is so obviously beyond her years” Or “Can you believe that she asked me if popcorn is called popcorn because it’s popped corn? I mean, honestly, what other 5 year old could put that together? We are having her tested!”

With all of that in mind, I tell you these are not gifted children. They are just normal curious kids. Maybe little Lydia Sue cried because the Venus De Milo has NO ARMS! And Popcorn to Popped Corn is not rocket science! If Marcie had asked if it’s called a wheelchair because it’s a chair with wheels, they probably would of suggested her for Mensa! For that matter, maybe Petey doesn’t have friends at Preschool because he’s a little jackass. It is quite possible. His father’s a big jackass. I’m just sayin’!

Therefore, I have listed a few things below that may act as a screening before actually testing your child to determine if your they are indeed gifted (Hopefully it will save you the embarrassment of any further public proclamations of your child's incredible genius!):

• Just because your children are home schooled, they aren't necessarily gifted. It is not hard to be Valedictorian in a school of three taught at a kitchen counter by your mom and Aunt Glenda.
  
  
• If your child is truly gifted, he knows whether or not he is making "good choices". There really would be know need to ask him, "Carter, are you making good choices?" over and over and over and over again.
  
  
• If you have told your screaming child more than 3 times to “use her words”, she is not just frustrated at how to express herself. She needs to be punched, quickly and deliberately, once in the throat and I promise she will “use her words” next time.
  
  
• Children acting out in school, pre-school, or daycare doesn't always mean that child is "way too smart and just bored". To figure out where you child fits in, examine whether anyone outside of your family volunteers to babysit your child. If not, your kid is probably NOT gifted but just incredibly bad.
  
  
• If your child is licking the check-out counter at your Public Library, it does NOT mean that he is going through a advanced Sensory Stage and must taste things to examine them thoroughly (Yes, that did actually happen). It just means that your kid is nasty and well on his way to Hepatitis.

It is not that I do not think all children are special in their own way...they truly are. They don't have to be "gifted" to be unique. I think as parents we should own the reality of our children proudly. We should shout from the mountain top, "My daughter Carrie is hyper as hell! Maybe she'll be a cheerleader one day !" or "My daughter Madeline is a big fat liar, perhaps she should go into politics." or even, "My son Ray-Ray keeps stealing stuff from my closet. I am sure he's gonna be a Drag Queen." I admit that the way our children are and what we want them to be, is not always the same, but should we really keep lying to ourselves. Thirty years from now, our country is going to be run by these "gifted" little morons and I really think we should prepare ourselves now.

I dedicate today's blog entry to former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

(my favorite gifted little moron).