Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Today was my favorite day of the week. It was Wal-Mart day! The day when all things are possible! The day when 3-cheese ravioli and bullets, Pampers brand disposable diapers and 30 weight motor oil, and a month's supply of Xanax and a $32 homecoming dress can all live together in one giant cart of harmony. I am telling you Wal-mart is a magical place! So, when I woke up I was predictably excited. I jumped out of bed, 1/2-assed brushed my teeth, pulled my unbrushed hair back into a knot, and then threw on a headband to hold back any stray hairs. I then grabbed some jeans off the floor, tugged off the over-sized tee shirt I slept in, put on a bra, put back on the shirt I slept in, slipped on my Keds’ (no socks), grabbed my son’s big orange sweatshirt and headed out the door. This is my normal Wal-Mart day attire. That is why I love Wal-Mart; I can go in my grubbiest clothes and not stand out one tiny bit!

I picked up my prescriptions, a new work shirt and vegetarian faux turkey slices for my daughter, some coloring books for the grandkids and was just heading to the hair care isle to pick up my monthly dose of Feria Havana Brown Hair Coloring when I ran into an old friend of mine from high school. She was luminous, hair perfectly coiffed, flawless make-up, spotless clothing, and heels, my God, heels… at Wal-mart… and I was just standing there looking like a big, nappy, dirt stained pumpkin. I immediately started the verbal vomit, spewing forth explanations for my extreme hideousness… I’ve been on vacation… I have been gardening… I am preparing to bathe my dogs… I have decided to become a pig farmer… etc… If my attire sparked any thoughts that I may have indeed morphed into some mentally ill vagabond, my hyperactive explanation of my appearance solidified it and most likely had her half-expecting to find me holding a “Will Work For Food or Diet Pepsi” sign at the exit as she left.

I do not know why I always seem to bump into the most outstandingly "put together" people when I look my very worst. Why couldn't she have seen me last Friday night from 7:45 to 10:37... I looked fabulous or even mid-afternoon a week ago Monday. I did not look shabby then, either. But no, not me... I have to run into the someone who looks like the friggin' Queen of Beautiopolis when I look like the Duchess of Dirt. (Seriously, can't you just picture my throne - an old cracked toilet propped up outside of a condemned trailer). Why couldn't I have had on my cute jeans? I just had to have on the jeans that give me a camel toe if I don't where the right underwear (and to answer your question, I did NOT have on the right underwear!).

You know what, though? I blame her for this. Wal-mart is my turf! It is not for the classy and dressed-up! It is for those of us who are not ashamed to go months without eyeliner or wear flip-flops well into November. So this is what I propose: I will never go into Target, Shopko, or Meijer without the proper attire (i.e; a bra, appropriate footwear, deodorant, etc...) if you beautiful people (you know who you are) will stop coming to my stomping grounds - K-Mart, Wal-Mart, or Bob's Bait and Tackle - dressed like you are ready to work the Runway.

I really believe if we all work together on this, a peace can be had. My husband and I can run into our favorite Super Store in ratty sweats and tank tops to get a 50lbs bag of dog food and extra patches for our four foot deep inflatable pool without fear of judgement... and you all won't have to explain to your children why the hobo lady behind you in line looks just like the girl in your high school yearbook.

Have a great weekend everbody!