In my daily travels, I have noticed a few reoccurring but easily fixed problems. I have decided to share both, the problems and my solutions, with you all.
Adorable: Cherub-cheeked children exploring nature with the wide-eyed innocence of youth.
Not so adorable: Filthy children playing in mud puddles on the side of the road in nothing but dirty tee shirts, sagging urine filled pull-ups, and cowboy boots.
Solution: Clean and fully dress your children before sending them out of the trailer and if you must let your toddler play by the edge of the road, take down the confederate flag blocking your view from the porch.
Comforting: The love and loyal companionship of a pet.
Not so comforting: The radiant smell of an appliqué covered sweatshirt soaked in cat piss.
Solution: Clean out the damn litter box, make some two legged friends, and stop buying (or making) appliqué covered clothing.
Outstanding: Looking into the coffee colored face of a little boy and knowing that one day he can become President.
Not so outstanding: Seeing the permanently ashy white snot tracks leading from his nose to his mouth.
Solution: Wash and lotion your baby’s face and teach him to use a dang Kleenex.
Touching: Watching generations of men of all shapes and sizes playing basketball in the park.
Not so touching: Walking past a man sitting on the sidelines and seeing his saggy, sweaty testicles hanging out of his shorts.
Solution: Stop using the lining of your shorts as underwear (especially after your nuts pass a certain length).
Lovely: People of mixed races and ethnicities having the freedom to find romance and love.
Not so lovely: Mothers of bi-racial children who do not comb and style their kids’ hair properly.
Solution: Take care of your kids’ damn hair… You brush yours! Brush theirs! If you don’t know how, ask somebody. One of us will help you, seriously.
Relaxing: Laying on the beach watching families frolic in the sunshine.
Not so relaxing: Being horrified by the multitude of women who forgot to take Miss Kitty to the groomer before putting on a swimsuit.
Solution: A wise woman once told me: If you want somebody to play in your yard – You have to cut the grass!
Romantic: Falling into your lover’s arms after hours of sex and drifting aimlessly into sleep.
Not so romantic: Waking up with sweat-molded bed head and the stench of 5 hours of sleep-marinated “afterglow” stuck to your thighs.
Solution: Kiss your lover passionately, walk naked and sensuously to the bathroom, and take a whore’s bath in the sink. It just ain't that hard!
Adorable: Cherub-cheeked children exploring nature with the wide-eyed innocence of youth.
Not so adorable: Filthy children playing in mud puddles on the side of the road in nothing but dirty tee shirts, sagging urine filled pull-ups, and cowboy boots.
Solution: Clean and fully dress your children before sending them out of the trailer and if you must let your toddler play by the edge of the road, take down the confederate flag blocking your view from the porch.
Comforting: The love and loyal companionship of a pet.
Not so comforting: The radiant smell of an appliqué covered sweatshirt soaked in cat piss.
Solution: Clean out the damn litter box, make some two legged friends, and stop buying (or making) appliqué covered clothing.
Outstanding: Looking into the coffee colored face of a little boy and knowing that one day he can become President.
Not so outstanding: Seeing the permanently ashy white snot tracks leading from his nose to his mouth.
Solution: Wash and lotion your baby’s face and teach him to use a dang Kleenex.
Touching: Watching generations of men of all shapes and sizes playing basketball in the park.
Not so touching: Walking past a man sitting on the sidelines and seeing his saggy, sweaty testicles hanging out of his shorts.
Solution: Stop using the lining of your shorts as underwear (especially after your nuts pass a certain length).
Lovely: People of mixed races and ethnicities having the freedom to find romance and love.
Not so lovely: Mothers of bi-racial children who do not comb and style their kids’ hair properly.
Solution: Take care of your kids’ damn hair… You brush yours! Brush theirs! If you don’t know how, ask somebody. One of us will help you, seriously.
Relaxing: Laying on the beach watching families frolic in the sunshine.
Not so relaxing: Being horrified by the multitude of women who forgot to take Miss Kitty to the groomer before putting on a swimsuit.
Solution: A wise woman once told me: If you want somebody to play in your yard – You have to cut the grass!
Romantic: Falling into your lover’s arms after hours of sex and drifting aimlessly into sleep.
Not so romantic: Waking up with sweat-molded bed head and the stench of 5 hours of sleep-marinated “afterglow” stuck to your thighs.
Solution: Kiss your lover passionately, walk naked and sensuously to the bathroom, and take a whore’s bath in the sink. It just ain't that hard!
Thank you in advance for your attention to these matters.
- D
Yuuup...this must come from years of working with the public! Ah, the joy of being with people...
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