In my whole life I have really only liked two doctors, my current physician (Dr. A, I can't pronounce her last name) and my gynecologist. Dr. A recognizes that there is more to me than the craziness the world sees and always knows the right thing to say and my gyno thinks I am completely crazy but seems to find it mildly amusing. (Believe me when I tell you that no one has seen anything quite as insane as me with my feet in gyno stirrups asking my doctor if he could at least light a candle and sing the first few bars of Let's Get In On before he started my first exam. He passed on the candle and agree to hum Oh, Susanna. I knew right then he was meant to be my doc.)
Now, I am certain that as a result of my almost exclusively potato, cheese, and Diet Pepsi diet, as well as my 25 sit-ups a month workout regime, you all assume that I am the picture of health. However, you couldn't be more wrong. I almost always have one ailment or another ranging from the normal (a sinus infection) to the obscure (an infected taste bud) and from the minor (a stubbed toe) to the major (a prolapsed uterus). Because of my constant poor health, I am now on a first name basis with the the nurse in my doctor's office (big shout out to Joslyn!) and have had to start using my general practitioner as my secondary source of medical care and have obtained a new primary care physician. His name is Web M.D. and he is fabulous. I don't mean to imply that Dr. A is not fabulous, she is... she really is, but the time that I tried to convince her that I had a brain tumor after seeing the brain tumor story on 20/20, she suggested that perhaps I just had a headache from reading in low lighting and wanted me to take some Ibuprofen and wait a week until I rushed in for a CAT Scan. A headache? It couldn't possibly be that simple. Not Web M.D.though, I simply went to my home computer typed in my symptoms (headache, being sleepy, and my tendency to forget things) and I found out that Dr. A was right. I probably didn't have a brain tumor but I very possibly could have Dementia or was in acute Kidney Failure! (Score one for Web M.B.) When I was convinced that I had Crohn's disease, after what I have taken to calling "flatulence weekend", Web M.D. confirmed my suspicions (another point for Web M.D.) but Dr. A. only reminded me of my Lactose Intolerance and asked me how much diary I had eaten (yes, I had eaten 2 slices of Cheesecake, a caramel sundae, and a Steak 'n' Shake caramel turtle nut milkshake in a 3 day period but that was beside the point). But it could've been temporary Crohn's disease, couldn't it?
I'm just sayin' that where Dr. A is educated, reasonable, and wise, Web M.D. will tell me what I want to hear. Any disease I assume I have can be mine, all I have to do is type in the right symptoms. It is not as if I want to be sick, it is just that I want to know exactly what is wrong with me and to be able to share information on these illnesses (while I am lying limply in bed propped up with pillows) with my loved ones. However, according to some of my friends and family that makes me a hypochondriac. Hypochondriac? Are you kidding me? So what, if I was convinced I had scurvy for a week after I saw Pirates of the Caribbean! And sure, I thought I had Epiglottis for awhile because I kept choking on my own spit... Who hasn't? I don't think that necessarily makes me a hypochondriac, I think it just makes me... well, alright... I'm a hypochondriac! I admit it! But that in itself is an illness, isn't it? Thank God for Dr. A! I have no idea why she keeps me on as a patient, I can be a teensy bit of a handful. But, she does her best to take care of my actual illnesses and to creatively treat my imaginary ones and I truly appreciate it. So, I guess I will stop my daily visits to Web M.D. and take her back as my #1 doc. I probably should call her tomorrow because all of this typing is starting to hurt... maybe I have Carpal Tunnel...
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