Booty Call

Knowing my love of As Seen On T.V. merchandise and late night commercials and infomercials, a friend of mine drew my attention to a commercial that I had never seen. I quickly went to YouTube (a constant and reliable news source in my life… well, along with Wikipedia and Perez Hilton) and found several commercials for one website – www.onlinebootycall.com!!! Seriously, it’s true! I laughed for 10 minutes just at the commercial but then I went to the website and saw… I promise you… the Ten Booty Call Commandments! I almost wet my pants!

I realize that in this day and age (God, I sound like I’m 80 years old) it is hard to meet kind and smart singles, especially those who you might find attractive, and the Internet has established itself as force to be reckoned with in the matchmaking department. But has it gotten so bad that we need the Internet to locate a “booty call”? Why can't people just drink and dial the way we did in my day? Sit at home, get drunk on nice wine cooler - vodka cocktail, and call someone they have had a ongoing flirtation with and invite them over for a night of nasty! That's how we rolled! What happened to the good ol’ days when a nice girl got shit-faced in a club with her friends, made out with a guy who is soooo hot from the middle of C+C Music Factory’s Gonna Make You Sweat until the end of Quincy Jones’ Secret Garden, and then hooked up at 2:54 pm just as the clubs light came on? What happened to him chauffeuring her back to her car early the next morning and her awkward “perp walk” (in last night’s bar clothes) across the bar parking lot (which on Sunday mornings was especially great because the parking lot always seemed to be across the street from a church)? What happened to those good times? How about the horny desperate calls to an ex at 1:30 in the morning under the guise to of telling them some ridiculous piece of information (“Hey, if you turn it to Channel 30 right now, that comedian you like is on” or “I am so sorry to call you this late but I had a nightmare and you are the only one who knows how to calm me down… when I am all alone… in bed”). Thirty five minutes later, the exes were together, comfortable and naked, without a thought of the fact that they actually hated each other. Now doesn’t that seem tons more panache than some damn “booty call” website? Of course it does!

“Booty calls” are the easiest part of “dating” because there is not ACTUAL dating. You don’t have to find someone who sees a future with you, just someone who doesn’t find you sexually repulsive. You don’t have to come up with just the right outfit to wear to dinner and a movie, just clean underwear. There is no need to save money for the perfect evening, HIV tests and condoms are free in most cities. Come on, people, let’s be honest – 92% of the public can manage to find their own “booty call” and the other 8% do NOT look like the photos on the website (the homepage features people who strongly resemble the cast of Gossip Girl). Almost all of us remember driving clear across town in the middle of the night or getting up and unlocking your front door and quickly changing into cuter pajamas just to get some nookie… it’s just plain patriotic (like Cherry Slurpee's at the Arab gas station / convenience store, Beer Pong, or O.J. Simpson - you know, things that we are not always proud of but are part of the American fabric)! In my opinion the online “booty call” is probably marketed to the guy (or gal) sitting alone, late at night in their parents basement, handling their “own business” to 1970’s VHS “fur bikini” porn that they found in a box marked Dad’s Fishing Equipment.

It's not like I think that this website will not gain a following... I am sure it will (this blog alone proves that anything can find a fan base - believe me I am well aware that I am not writing Chaucer or Dickens here) but it makes me sad that people think they need it. Anyone can get laid... Seriously, anyone! Have you not seen a pregnant, filthy homeless woman with no more than 10 teeth total? I know I have! How do you think the bun got in that dirty, dirty oven? Sex! Charles Manson had nearly a harem of women. What do you think was going on in that compound? Sex! Chang and Eng, the conjoined twins from Thailand, had 21 children between them. How? Sex! Do you REALLY think that homeless people, serial killers, and Siamese twins can get laid but a girl with a dead eye and the orthopedic big shoe or a guy with exorbitant back hair and a tinge of an odor can't get some action? I can't speak for them finding someone who would want to make a lifelong commitment but I am SURE that they can find a pal to come over in the middle of the night and "bump some uglies". But if I am wrong, I guess there is always onlinebootycall.com.