Gimme a beat!

I am fairly certain that my life would be better with a daily soundtrack. Think about, at the beginning of everyday your theme song would wake you up and at the end music would trail off as the credits roll. Love and lust would be easier to differentiate (There is a distinct and noticeable difference between Etta James's At Last and TLC's Red Light Special). You could always be alerted to looming danger by the eerie melody swelling in the background (think Friday the 13th or Halloween). How hilarious would it be if the Wicked Witch’s theme song played every time your boss or mother-in-law sauntered past? I’m pretty sure everyone knows at least one overly confident man with a comb-over who should be shadowed by Right Said Fred singing I’m Too Sexy or an office tramp who should blast Super Freak every time she crosses and uncrosses her legs. I’m just sayin’ that a daily soundtrack might make my days a little less complicated and lot more humorous. Now I realize that most girls out there would either pick either I'm Every Woman or Bitch for their theme songs but not me I like to think outside the box. I would probably pick I Wanna Be Sedated by the Ramones or Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back to start the Davis Show and skip through the rest of the day carefree, just like in the movies. My life would be golden - not the endless string of humiliations that I have experience in the past. "Music can't do all that", you proclaim! I say, "Yes, yes it can!"

My freshman year in high school I fell down the steps in front of a very hot junior while I was wearing my favorite cranberry straight skirt (he told me I had a nice ass and I lost my balance) but it might have gone from pathetic to comical if I'll Tumble For Ya had been playing in the background. I also may have been able to find humor in the time my bra strap broke causing my boob to break free during a gym class volleyball game if only I could have heard Gettin' Jiggy With It instead of the mocking laughter of my peers.

A little musical insight also might have softened the shock many of the numerous times I was cheated on (Disclaimer: I am speaking past tense! My husband is not a cheater but nearly every other boy in my life has been). The time that I brought my hard-studying, college boyfriend dinner from Burger King and found a naked slut in his apartment, had I heard Secret Lovers in the air, I might have saved my money and stayed home and not smacked him with a bacon cheeseburger after pushing her naked ass into the hallway. (I usually don't blame the girl but I realllllly hate this girl... still... to this day!) I also wouldn't have exchanged monosyllabic pleasantries and small talk with the "mild to moderately" retarded chick that I "randomly" met had I received a lyrical heads-up that she was sleeping with my (now ex)husband. (Yes, he did actually cheat on me with a retarded girl and let me assure you it does nothing for the self esteem! When I found out, she asked me if I was mad... and she was serious!)

I am not crazy enough to think that if I had a soundtrack bad things wouldn't happen - I am just sure that at 16, when my water broke while I was wearing my Snoopy pajamas and had my friends sleeping over, Otis Redding might have made it a little less humiliating.