A Public Service Announcement

I have to admit that I have been overwhelmed with the feedback that I have gotten since I started writing Olives and Underpants. I have been able to exchange stories, both touching and humorous with various readers, I had a random woman (who turned out to be a friend of a friend) approach me and congratulate me on my un-jinxed vagina, and astoundingly the author of The Bad Behavior of Belle Cantrell, Loraine Despres, not only read my blog but commented positively. I am over-the-moon excited and flattered; therefore I feel that I should pay you all back. Instead of my usual ratings and ramblings, I will use today’s entry as a Public Service Announcement, of sorts.

I would like to address a serious situation, a growing plague within our society that is as potentially crippling to our community as rapidly rising rates of teen pregnancy and gun violence, or the mounting methamphetamine epidemic. As I am sure that you have probably guessed, I am talking about the increasing trend of naming children the most ignorant names possible. This is a sickness that crosses both racial and socio-economic borders, stretching from trailer parks to mansions, from South Central to Manhattan, and quite frankly, THE MADNESS MUST STOP! I, myself, work with the public everyday and I see the sadness in the eyes of the children as their mothers scream, “Shaqueeta Petrone, git’chore ass over here!” or “Cayenne Marie (no, that’s not a typo. I meant Cayenne not Cheyenne), if you don’t keep yo’ little but under that sunlamp you won’t never win Little Miss Corn Curl 2009.” Please don’t get me wrong, I applaud the fact that these parents wanted their children to standout in the crowd. There were three different Jennifer’s in my graduating class, only differentiated by their last initials (Jennifer R., Jennifer M., and Jennifer S.), so I get! We all want individuality for our children! But seriously there is a limit! We all know that Gwyneth went crazy and named her baby Apple (I chalk it up to hunger) and Jason Lee (Earl – from My Name Is Earl) named his child Pilot Inspektor but the problem isn’t just in HollyWeird, it is living right next door. It is in our daycares, our churches, our supermarkets! This Saturday I met a kid at my pharmacy named Million and, I wish that I was lying, but I actually know a 4 year old named Cash Muhnee. Really?!? Cash Muhnee ??? Just how many girls do we need in the world named after cars and liquor…? Alize, Moet, Mercedes, Porsche, Diamante, and Tequila Need I go on?

I just can’t take it anymore. I cannot just sit idly by and watch the children suffer any longer. I feel that if we don’t do something immediately, 20 years from now we'll be living in a society of Lap Dancers and Meth Dealers. So, if you are trying to name a baby or know someone who is, I have composed a list of helpful hints.

• If you can’t decide between names write them down on a piece of paper and draw one out – DO NOT COMBINE THE NAMES (i.e., Diamonique, Krystefanie, Rosehannah, etc.)
• Taking a word and changing spelling doesn’t necessarily make it a name (i.e., Reynbow, Godyss, Majik, etc.) Everything does not need a unique spelling. Your child will have to spell them one day, don't set them up for failure.
• Adjectives and Adverbs don’t need to be names (i.e., Beautiful, Versatility, Sparkle, etc.)
• Just because you love something doesn’t mean you should name your children after it (Harley, Nike, Gun, Levi, Cash, Love, Nautica, Gucci, etc.)
• Do not name your daughters Passion, Promiscuous (Yes, I actually do know a girl named Promiscuous), and Honey. You should be working to keep your girls OFF the pole.
• Please! Please! Please! Do not start naming your babies Barack or Obama. I think he is great, too, but one is enough. Also, let’s stop naming babies Elvis, Beyonce, Fantasia, and Gotti.
• Last but not least, let your conscience be your guide. Practice saying the name over and over with a variety of prefixes – Dr. JaBrezzy Williams, The Honorable Pretty Moore – If it doesn’t sound right, lose it!

I hope my suggestions help and we can all work together to nip this craziness in the bud.

** Now on a side note: If you discuss this blog (and I truly hope you do), please do not tell the story of how you know someone who knows someone who know brothers name Oranjello and Lemonjello. Everybody knows someone who knows someone who knows these boys but no one has ever actually met them in person…..Hhhmmmmmmm?

Thank you for your support!