The Day I Didn't Start My Period

Aside from being only one of four black girls in attendance and the fact that Mr. Hale the Janitor was my only real friend until the fifth grade, the worst part of Elementary School was the “Period Talk”. I remember it perfectly. Permission slips were sent home early in the week and we all knew that “the talk” was coming but what we were unsure off was exactly what “the talk” was. There were rumors floating around and most of us were certain that at least part of the discussion would be about pubic hair but that was about it. When the time came and the boys were whisked into another classroom, I went from nervous to petrified. The teacher had us all sit “Indian Style” (is that racist?) in a half circle on the rug in the back of the room, I guess she was trying to relax us before she pushed us head first from our idyllic world of freeze tag and Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers into the insanity that is Womanhood.

Everything started easily enough… Our bodies are changing, blah, blah, blah... (Duh! I had been wearing a bra since the second grade.) We would start growing hair where hair hadn’t been before, blah, blah, blah... (That was more than evident given the fact that in nothing but my bra I looked like I had a midget in a headlock!) Boys are changing, too… We all giggled a little when we found that the boys were growing hair and we giggled a lot when we heard all of the other things that guys had to deal with (For the life of me, I cannot remember exactly what the teacher told us but for the next three years I waited with baited breath for a boy to get an erection at the chalkboard). And then it happened! The teacher passed out a pink pamphlet and a brown paper bag to each of us and began to explain menstruation. She started clinically – spitting vulgarities at us like ovulation, fallopian tubes, and uterine lining. The giggles were gone, the room was silent, it was at this point she assured us coldly and quite unbelievably that menstruation was a good thing, a gift! (Not since Mariah Carey’s film debut in Glitter has there been such a horrific acting job… most likely because she had cramps!) However, since she had mentioned the word “gift” and we had yet to open the brown paper bags, I saw a glimmer of hope. (Candy, maybe? Puffy stickers with the googoly eyes, perhaps?) I smiled apprehensively at my best friend Gina and she smiled back just as nervously. It was at this point that the teacher opened her paper bag and retrieved what turned out to be the biggest sanitary napkin that to this day I have ever seen. (No lie, it actually came with a belt and looked exactly like Sumo wrestlers diapers). Our teacher explained that women rarely used the belts anymore but that the school still gave them away because they had quite a few of the pre-made bags in storage. If and when got our periods we could just attach the pads to our underpants with safety pins. (Safety pins next to my vagina?) The rest of the class was a blur but I vowed that when this curse was finally upon me I would be ready!

I read that pink “period” pamphlet over and over, backwards and forwards, until I had committed it to memory. According to the pamphlet (the very, very old pamphlet – probably written in the ‘60s, when women still wore their Maxi Pads attached to a, oversized elastic belt under their clothes), a girl’s first menstruation was a wonderful thing to be celebrated and handled responsibly (and because I was such a freak show, I intended to do just that). When the big day came, I followed the rules to the letter. After I noticed the small streak in my underwear and I went straight to the pamphlet and read – TELL YOUR MOTHER WHAT IS HAPPENING AND RELY ON HER FOR GUIDANCE AND WISDOM. I called my mom at work, she told she didn’t get off until nine and asked me if I wanted my father to help me (I almost had a stroke). I sweetly answered no; I had the pamphlet. MAKE SURE THAT YOU STAY VERY CLEAN DURING YOUR MENSTRAL CYCLE. MENSTRATION CAN SOMETIMES CAUSE AN UNPLEASANT ODOR – I immediately took a warm bath (the pamphlet said the water should not be too hot or too cold, I can’t remember why). BE SURE TO MAINTAIN YOUR FEMININITY DURING YOUR MENSTRAL CYCLE. REMEMBER: MENSTRATION IS A GIFT ONLY WOMEN RECEIVE. After stuffing my underwear with a beach towel of a maxi pad, I slipped into my princess pink night gown and even tied a ribbon in my hair (the girl in the picture had one in hers). BE SURE TO LIMIT YOUR ACTIVITIES – TOO MUCH ACTIVITY CAN CAUSE YOUR SANITARY NAPKIN TO SHIFT. BE SURE TO GET PLENTY OF REST – YOUR MENSTRAL CYCLE CAN CAUSE CRAMPING AND WEAKNESS. I went right to bed and waited for my mother to get home from work. When she came into my room I can only imagine her pride. I was sitting up in my bed, back against the headboard, reading quietly. I was clean and I had taken extra time on my appearance. I had secured everything in its place (without safety pins) and had managed to do it without taxing myself physically. I was the portrait of femininity, a chubby little black version of the girl on page three. I had indeed made my first period a beautiful experience. This was a bonding moment every mother and daughter should share (according to page 2). She smiled at me lovingly and told me, “Honey, I just put your underpants in the wash. You didn’t start your period, you just didn’t wipe well.” I threw the pad away and went to sleep. I told you I’m a freak show!