Girls, Friends, and BFFs

In my lifetime I have found that there are three types of friends (I give the disclaimer that this is from a girl’s viewpoint,t it could be quite different for boys – if I had a penis, I might have a much different perspective). I must tell you, though, that I am talking about true FRIENDS – not acquaintances, co-workers, or even “clubbing buddies”, true friendship is very different.

The first type of friend is the “GOOD” friend (not “good” in the level of friendship but “good” in general personality and being). The “good” friend is kind to you, strokes your ego when you need her to, she chooses her words carefully if she doesn’t like your outfit and will hold your hand as you cry over your breakup from a complete jerk. Christa is my good friend. We have been friends since before high school. She has been with me through weddings and funerals, celebrations and heartbreaks and never once have we exchanged cross words. There have been many times that she should have thrown me to the wolves (Like the time I told her that I was pregnant with my daughter, two hours after I had given birth to her. I had hidden being pregnant with big boobs and big tee shirts. I was unmarried and already had two kids and really don’t handle confessions well) but not Christa, she put me on hold for about thirty seconds and then made plans to come and see me and my new baby at the hospital. Why? Because she is a good friend!

The second type of friend is the “BEST” friend (to clarify the “best” friend isn’t necessarily a better person than your other friends, it is just who she is). The “best” friend shows up or calls whenever you need her and is reliable. She will tell if your jeans are a tad too tight but will help you pick out a new outfit that is just perfect. You share history and secrets with her and when your jerk of a boyfriend breaks up with you, she reminds you that he never deserved you. Now my best friends are Annie, Michelle, Mandy, and my baby sister, these are four of the most outstanding women that you will ever meet. All four are very different but they have one common thread – they love me (I told you I am adorable) When I had my gallbladder removed, Annie sat with me until they wheeled me into the operating room. She didn’t flinch when, after being given a mild sedative, I told the lovely black man in scrubs that she was my life partner. She helped me clear the dance floor at the club so that we could do the dance routine to Ghetto Superstar that we had made up earlier. (Two quick side notes: We were VERY drunk and my sister was there but when we began to dance she pretended not to know us). Michelle and Mandy both let me be my crazy, quirky self all of the time. They encourage me every time we speak and I admire them immeasurably. Mandy has a fear of store bought dairy products and has taken to making her own cheese and yogurt (You really didn’t need to know that but damn it, it’s funny). Michelle and my sister are very much the same – They always seem to have it all together, they are incredibly smart and beautiful and have seen me through more tough times than I can count. (I have single handedly borrowed $7,410 from my sister in $10 and $20 increments yet she never makes me feel bad about it and I once called Michelle, drunk, at 5am in the morning and whispered “If my boyfriend calls you later – I was with you last night.” She called me a drunk bitch and hung up but later… when he called... she did as I asked – no questions asked).

The last type of friend is your “GIRL”. Your “girl” always has your back. However, she may or may not show up on your birthday (it depends what other offers she has) and she definitely won’t tell your jeans are too small, she will tell you that your ass is too big. She won’t sit and listen to you cry over “some dumb-ass” guy but she will slip on a fierce black outfit and stocking cap and then “key his fuckin’ car”. My girls are Felicia and Chrystal – they are both nuts (and sometimes a little scary). Chrystal knows everybody and everything about them. She comes across tough but is actually a sweetheart but you never want to get on her bad side. Back when I was out in the “dating scene”, I asked her about a guy and she was able to report on him like a resume. “Has had four jobs in the last two years. His ex-girlfriend has herpes and he smoked crack from’93 to ’98”. Enough said. That's my girl - short, sweet and to the point.. no edit button. Ask her, "Hey do you know Shaniqua?" and she'll answer, "Yep! That Bitch is so nasty, she has roaches in her car!" . If you tell her, "I think Andre is attractive.", she will respond, "He's fine but he has the dick of an 8 year old chinese boy". Yeah, that's Chrystal and exactly why I love her but during my “leaner” financial times (that was from 1989 until 2009), Felicia taught me how to handle bill collectors (when they call, you use a Chinese accent and broken English and say, “She no live here, she not nice girl. She owe me money, too. You find her, tell her call Ms. Kim.” and then you hang up). She is also the one who introduced me to the Dollar Store. The first time I made my husband dinner , she was the one who ran out a half an hour before he set to arrive and bought a set of drinking glasses for me (I called her hysterical when I realized that I only had McDonald’s collectors glasses and Hardee’s Moose Cups in the cabinet). I was her partner in the delivery room when she gave birth to her daughter (She told me that if I started being too “chipper and cheery” or emotional, she would kick my fat ass out of the room. She is evil when she is in pain).

All of us should have at least one of each of these types of friends, just in case you have to kill someone. Your good friend will probably turn you in but she will pray for your soul and visit you weekly in the penitentiary. You best friend will lie for you under oath and if you still get convicted she will smuggle you in a cake with a file in it. But your girl will help you bury the body and take you out for tequila shots after you're done.