Let your freak flag fly!

Occasionally I get asked, "What the hell is wrong with you?” Actually, if I am being honest, it is probably more than occasionally - it is daily! My answer to this varies from day-to-day but basically I think I am perfectly sane (that might be a stretch but very, very close to sane)... Sometimes I just forget not to say (or write) my every thought. I think everyone (maybe not everyone but some people... at least one... yeah, at least one other person) has the same random thoughts that I do. Like, if a white cat crosses your path does that mean good luck? or Wouldn't it be great if they had Community College Musical for the less popular cast members of the High School Musical series? These are the things that pop into my head and I can't be the only one, can I? I also wonder if Bill Clinton and Thomas Jefferson (both ex-presidents who had a little soul and a propensity to cheat) got in a fist fight who would win, my money is on Tommy Boy. And just how long did it take the cave people to figure out that sex leads to pregnancy? It is not as if your stomach swells with a 7 lb. 6 oz. bouncing baby boy two seconds after coitus (I love the word coitus, it sounds so much smarter and classier that "doin' it).

Admittedly, my mind might work a bit differently than some but I am generally a happy person and have a good time wherever I am. I have (various times, I might add) spent up to forty-five uninterrupted minutes trying to levitate a pencil with my mind and I still periodically try to wriggle my nose like Samantha from Bewitched. Sometimes when I am home alone, I still put chewing gum over my top teeth like I am wearing braces and I once dripped candle wax on my boobs to see if it was as erotic as they make it look on HBO (It is not! It burns like hell! Whoever started that "farce of sexiness" should be shot!!! There is nothing, I repeat nothing, sexy about a nipple blister!) Anyway, I know deep down in my heart that other people do just as many idiotic things as I do - Why am I the only one who owns up to it? I'll tell you why! You are all a bunch of chicken-shits! (Wow, that sounded way too harsh but why should I fly my freak flag alone. It’s a lot of pressure!)

I believe that everyone would be so much happier if they felt the freedom to act a little stupid sometimes, you know be a little juvenile once in a while. Why do you think kids are happy 99% of the time? No, it is not because they don't have stress - they do. Red rover and freze tag can get seriously cut-throat, if not properly mediated. Children are happy because they feel uninhibited enough to be tiny little idiots. I am not talking about being so immature that you put your relationship at risk or so ridiculous that you lose your job but wouldn't it be fun to cut loose once in a while... to go to someone's house while they are at work and leave a framed picture of a complete stranger on their wall or give trick-or-treaters who are too damn old job applications (Really, there's a fine line between trick-or-treating and begging and that line is the age of 12!). I mean how funny would it be if you brought 7 uncooked hot dogs on a platter, garnished with parsley and radish roses to the next potluck you are invited to. I guarantee that if you did it you would be in an outstanding mood the rest of the day. Yes, it does sound stupid… but only because it is! And that is why it is liberating!

When I do or say something that makes people wonder if indeed Jesus had made me one of his “special” flock, I know that it’s because I chose for them to view me that way - Not because I am an accidental moron. I am a dumbass on purpose! Do you think I could have made it through 40 years of near daily humiliation without some semblance of control? No! I have learned from experience not to take myself too seriously. I choose to laugh at myself before anyone else has the chance! I choose to admit, loudly and proudly, that I sometimes fart in the car and blame it on my one year old granddaughter, that I slobber so badly in my sleep that I have to flip my pillow every two hours to keep from drowning, and that I have put panty liners under my boobs to try to keep the sweat from soaking through my bra and shirt (not one of my best ideas, I might add). I confess that I have prank phone called my boss, worn my husband’s underwear when none of mine were clean, and that I laugh when ice skaters fall during competition. I am just me… no apologies, no regrets, and I invite you all to do something completely carefree and silly this weekend, have fun with it, and DO NOT APOLOGIZE!