The other day I was having a conversation with a co-worker and I innocently mentioned that I do not like Oprah. Yeah, I said it. I don’t like her. I guess that it is not her, per say, I have honestly never met her. But I don’t like the fact the she named her magazine Oprah and then puts herself on every cover. I also don’t like the fact that she raves about 300 dollar 7000 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets that are “must haves” on her Favorite Things List and I once stuffed three old (but clean) socks in a hole in my mattress to keep a spring from punching through my Family Dollar sheets and puncturing one of my kidneys. I don’t like the way millions and millions of women blindly follow her, chanting her name softly and rhythmically, Oprah, Oprah, Oprah, wiling away the hours between episodes. I resent it, it’s true, but at least I am honest about it. Sometimes I wonder just how many husbands have heard their wives call out “Oooooohh-praaaahhhhh” during orgasm. Disturbing? Yes…. but still a valid question!
Anyway, I mention to my friend that I don’t like Oprah and a stranger overhears and gasps (yes, she literally gasped – gapping mouth, hand to her chest and the dramatic step backward). “Are you serious?” she asked. “How can you NOT like Oprah?” she demanded! “I mean she’s so wise! She helps so many people! You know, she gave away all of those cars!” This woman was on a tirade, I honestly thought she was going to stroke out. I carefully tried to state my case, honestly much more tactfully than I would have had I not be at work, but my words just fueled her hysteria. After about half an hour of this drama (honestly it was about a minute, minute and half tops, but Oprah time is longer for me) I gave in. I assured her that I would give Oprah a second chance and agreed that I may have been too harsh in my belief that hordes of Oprah-ites are being led to the slaughter of free thought. Immediately she quieted and smiled victoriously, like a baby being given a bottle. It was the oddest thing, I was clearly lying. But just hearing my assurance her that Oprah was indeed all powerful, calmed her. I realized that by not accepting Oprah as my leader, I had inadvertently upset the balance of her Universe and called into question her entire belief system.
So future reference, I offer this advice for all social situations – Never discuss Abortion, Religion, Politics, or Oprah… Things can go bad, very, very quickly.
Anyway, I mention to my friend that I don’t like Oprah and a stranger overhears and gasps (yes, she literally gasped – gapping mouth, hand to her chest and the dramatic step backward). “Are you serious?” she asked. “How can you NOT like Oprah?” she demanded! “I mean she’s so wise! She helps so many people! You know, she gave away all of those cars!” This woman was on a tirade, I honestly thought she was going to stroke out. I carefully tried to state my case, honestly much more tactfully than I would have had I not be at work, but my words just fueled her hysteria. After about half an hour of this drama (honestly it was about a minute, minute and half tops, but Oprah time is longer for me) I gave in. I assured her that I would give Oprah a second chance and agreed that I may have been too harsh in my belief that hordes of Oprah-ites are being led to the slaughter of free thought. Immediately she quieted and smiled victoriously, like a baby being given a bottle. It was the oddest thing, I was clearly lying. But just hearing my assurance her that Oprah was indeed all powerful, calmed her. I realized that by not accepting Oprah as my leader, I had inadvertently upset the balance of her Universe and called into question her entire belief system.
So future reference, I offer this advice for all social situations – Never discuss Abortion, Religion, Politics, or Oprah… Things can go bad, very, very quickly.
I don't like her either and have gotten the same reaction as though I had said I drown kittens or microwave babies.
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