I used to be a Superhero!

A lot of people do not realize this but I used to be a Superhero. Long before I slipped into my mom jeans (They have elastic in the back. You can’t tell because I wear my shirts on the outside – I still haven’t lost all of my pregnancy weight, which is weird because my baby is almost 194 months old now) but I digress… Long before I slipped on my mom jeans and my bleach stained KISS-FM t-shirt, I donned knee-high leather boots and a kick-ass black leather jacket that had fringe that hung from the sleeves (Give me a break – It was the 80’s) and I was BEGGIE GIRL! Who is BEGGIE GIRL?, you ask. And just what is her superpower? BEGGIE GIRL is me! STRONG! BEAUTIFUL! SEXY! And my Superpower was Puttin’ my man in his place! Kickin’ him to the curb when he didn’t act right! And last but not least, loudly, and dramatically blocking the doorway when he actually tried to leave.

Had you been lucky enough to witness even one of my acts of Super-Prowess you would have been initially amazed at how smoothly I could work my neck as I told my man, “I don’t need your ass! You ain’t shit! Won’t ever be shit!” You would probably marvel at my ability to “accidently” call him by the wrong name just to plant the seed that he wasn’t the only man in my life. Ooohhh, I was good but that was the normal me, the human me, and then I changed (Don’t make me angry…. You won’t like me when me when I’m angry!) into BEGGIE GIRL. As he would stomp indignantly to door, with his pride and a box full of his shit in his hand, I would panic and start to cry. Not pretty soap opera tears but nasty red-eyed, swollen lips, snot dripping from my nose, tears. Gone was the strong! The beautiful! The sexy! In its place was a blubbering hyperventilating crazy person begging the loser not to leave me, apologizing for things I didn’t do, refusing to move from in front of the door because he might leave. Ooohh yeah, BEGGIE GIRL was pathetic! A Superhero made not from the bite of a Radioactive Spider but from the fear of being alone and the horrible idea that I might dispose of someone just before he decided to shape up. What if I left him and then he was a good boyfriend to someone else? Would that mean it was not him it was me? Oh hell no! BEGGIE GIRL would never let that happen! BEGGIE GIRL gripped me so tight that once I was so desperate to keep a guy from leaving me that I faked passing out…yes, it’s true! I faked a panic attacked, rolled my eyes back in my head, tipped backwards, and hit the floor (hard)! I just laid there and he very calmly dug his keys out of my front pocket, stepped right over me, and left the house. I just lay for a long time hoping he would come back to see if I had really passed out. He didn’t! So I got up and left…. It was his house!

Now twenty years later, I am no longer BEGGIE GIRL. I try hard to be SUPERMOM and WONDERWIFE but mostly I just work at being me. I don’t make threats I don’t mean, I don’t worry that what I don’t want might be perfect for someone else, but mostly I don’t wear my leather jacket with fringe when I fake passing out.