The Academy Awards were on last Sunday and all the beautiful people were on the red carpet in their million dollar dresses and jewels, smiling for the camera and pretending that they had eaten within the last week. Naturally in tuned in… for about ten minutes and then quickly turned the channel to a movie on the Sci-Fi Channel about a 75 foot man-eating snake with three heads (I know it sounds like I may have killed some brain cells but I am currently reading a non-fiction book, and I watched Larry King on Tuesday and read the Op-Ed section of the paper twice this week to cancel out the damage, so I think I’m o.k.) However, was “lucky” enough to catch the highlights of the Awards show on every channel (Who knew there was still such tension between Jennifer and Brangelina? I’m on Team Aniston, by the way). It was all very touching watching the winners walk to the microphone, completely shocked, hands shakingly trying to unfold the twelve page thank you speech they jotted down in the limo on the off chance they might win, and the losers smiling graciously. (It is an honor just to be nominated, especially if you haven’t worked in twenty years and you are walking the red carpet with the corpse of your dead Chihuahua in your breast pocket). And all of this got me to thinkin’. What if I win some big award one day...? A Newberry Medal, the Pulitzer Prize, or Sangamon County Fair Queen. I need to be ready. As you can probably tell, I am a girl of very few words and painfully shy, so I think it would be best if I start working on my acceptance speech now - The key to a good acceptance speech if thanking the right people. It think it should go something like this.
First of all, I have to thank my father; I know he is looking down on me from heaven (thinking where the hell did I go wrong). Mom, thank you for your patience and tolerance, I promise not to put your in a home in your old age (unless you start wearing adult diapers and then seriously who could blame me). To my beautiful little sister I say, You are my hero and I forgive you for beating my ass so many times throughout our childhood and for pretending to read the Braille version of the Gettysburg Address from my forehead during my more profound acne outbreaks. To Annie, You are the best friend a girl could ask for – who else would perform a drunken dance to Ghetto Superstar with me in the middle of empty dance floor? We Rock! Mandy and Mark, you are ACES! Felicia, thank you for being my date to every party after my divorce and especially for always wearing the good wig when we went out. Michelle, I am sorry my water broke while I was sitting on your bed (honestly though, I think you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion, According to the books there is little to no urine in amniotic fluid and once my pro-wrestling career takes off I fully intend to buy you a “like new” bed set from the Goodwill). To my children, I thank you for making me laugh every day (please don’t put me in home in my old age, even if I DO wear adult diapers). To my husband, I LOVE YOU, your kisses get me through every day (Yeah I said it and I meant it, too. The man can handle his business) And last but not least, I must thank God - Without him nothing is possible (Plus - if you don’t thank him, you can’t make it in the Hardcore Rap game!) It is because all of you that I stand here today and accept this award. I love you all!
First of all, I have to thank my father; I know he is looking down on me from heaven (thinking where the hell did I go wrong). Mom, thank you for your patience and tolerance, I promise not to put your in a home in your old age (unless you start wearing adult diapers and then seriously who could blame me). To my beautiful little sister I say, You are my hero and I forgive you for beating my ass so many times throughout our childhood and for pretending to read the Braille version of the Gettysburg Address from my forehead during my more profound acne outbreaks. To Annie, You are the best friend a girl could ask for – who else would perform a drunken dance to Ghetto Superstar with me in the middle of empty dance floor? We Rock! Mandy and Mark, you are ACES! Felicia, thank you for being my date to every party after my divorce and especially for always wearing the good wig when we went out. Michelle, I am sorry my water broke while I was sitting on your bed (honestly though, I think you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion, According to the books there is little to no urine in amniotic fluid and once my pro-wrestling career takes off I fully intend to buy you a “like new” bed set from the Goodwill). To my children, I thank you for making me laugh every day (please don’t put me in home in my old age, even if I DO wear adult diapers). To my husband, I LOVE YOU, your kisses get me through every day (Yeah I said it and I meant it, too. The man can handle his business) And last but not least, I must thank God - Without him nothing is possible (Plus - if you don’t thank him, you can’t make it in the Hardcore Rap game!) It is because all of you that I stand here today and accept this award. I love you all!
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)
And then I exit stage left with toilet paper stuck to my shoe!
I am fairly certain it will go something like that. Now, if only I can get Lane Bryant to donate a dress, I’ll be all set!
This was so good.
ReplyDeleteYour writing kind of reminds me of Erma Brombeck but with lots of different little twists of thought.