The Calculation of Sexual Experiences

When my friends and I were in our twenties and the men that we met and subsequent dates were a staple of nearly every conversation, one nagging question become a thorn in our respective sides... "How many men have you slept with?" During the course of any relationship it is a question that will most certainly be asked and how that question is answered will help slip you into one of his two mental columns - WHORE or HOUSEWIFE. As women we ask men the same question but the answer seems somewhat less important because we can "pretty up" any answer. If he says, "I have slept with 67 women", we immediately realize that he could have any girl he wants and Golly Gee, how LUCKY am I. If his answer is "2", well then, he is sweet and loyal and sensitive and even if he has no idea how many women he has conquered, we as women tell ourselves that no one before us has even mattered to him.

But boys... boys are different. Things with boys are black or white, hot or cold, whore or housewife. Therefore we have to be careful how much information we give our potential mate. Not outright lying but creative calculation. "When asked the incredibly loaded question, "How many men have you been with?", you must be very careful - Answer with too high a number and you will be quickly standing on his mental street corner in crotchless panties and thigh-high fishnets but answer too low and you might not be believable and there is always a chance that your past will come back to haunt you. With this in mind, my friends and I developed a few rules that will help exclude sexual encounters that need not be included in your tabulated answer. I have listed them below, I hope they help.

• If you can only identify the guy by the car he was driving or his job (i.e; the cable guy or you know the dude in the El Camino) - it didn't count.
• If you never took your underwear off you just pulled the crotch to the side - it didn't count.
• Revenge sex when down only one time - does not count.
• Vacation sex with a local - doesn't count.
• All college indiscretions are cancelled out if followed by no less than one year of chastity when entering "the real world".
• Drunken one night stands do not count if one or both of you fall off the bed or vomit during said encounter.
• Sleeping with two members of the same family cancel each other out (Like a double negative) - therefore neither counts.
• If you only have sex with a guy once and he kept his shoes on - it doesn't count.
• Sex in a barn never counts (for a variety of reasons)
• Sex acts directly following weddings or funerals (unless they are yours) - do not count.
• If you have lusted after someone, flirted and anticipated what it would be like and when it actually happens it is not only disappointing but monumentally tragic for all other women who may have to endure it in the future - it not only doesn't count but you may also erase two other experiences to compensate for your pain and suffering.