Whenever the subject of television viewing comes up in conversation, I usually add my two cents by saying that I rarely watch the mindless drivel that is Reality Television (I usually say this in a British accent or my best Lovey Howell impression). I then go on to say that I do sometimes watch American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, but solely because they are talent based and provide the tiniest bit of culture, and well, I do watch Dirty Jobs but only because it's educational and on the Discovery Channel, for goodness sakes. Actually If I’m honest about it, I occasionally catch glimpses of America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Hills, and The Bachelor (but only this season, because he is a single Dad and unbelievably HOT!) OK! OK! I admit it I enjoy Reality T.V., not the tacky stuff like Tila Tequila but classy stuff, you know like The Girls Next Door. However, there is one show I cannot watch without mixing a good strong Xanax-Bacardi Breezer Cocktail………Nanny 911!
For those of you who have never seen this monstrosity, the premise is this: Families with out of control children of various ages ask the show for help and “voila!” a British Nanny appears and fixes the children by using time-out stools, charts, and to my personal horror removing televisions from the children’s rooms. More often than not the Nanny also primly and properly draws attention to the many problems in the parent’s marriage. Sounds outstanding, right? WRONG! These families are nuts, completely and totally certifiably crazy. In one episode (I kid you not) a 3 year old didn’t like using the bathroom in the house so when he had “to make” the mother took him outside to pee on bushes. The Nanny’s answer: Filling the bathroom with potted plants to ease his “tension”. Are you kidding me? Here is my answer – Cancel Nanny 911 and premier “Big Mama 911”. You find a family with out of control children of various ages and you send in a Strong Black Woman. Now I warn you, there will be no charts or time out stools but I guarantee you that the problems will be handled and it will make for good quality viewing. A kid has a habit of biting people? Don’t reason with him- Bite him back. Parents are repeatedly called to the school for bad behavior – Send Big Mama up to the school in her lemon-yellow house dress, dirty slippers and pink hair rollers and let her beat the daughters ass right outside the Principal’s Office.
Now let me clarify some things for you. Not all black women are “Big Mamas” and not all “Big Mamas” are big (but it does help). I also assume that not all “Big Mamas” are black but I have never seen a White one (however, I have also never seen a Big Foot but after approximately 23 Sci-Fi channel specials I am certain they exist). A “Big Mama” rules the roost, so to speak. They take no flack from anybody, they are set in their ways, and generally have a strong moral compass. They feed you when you are hungry, hold you when you are hurt, and will not hesitate to slap all of the taste out of your mouth. In my family, the Big Mama was my father (we didn’t actually call him that, it was just an honorary title). I remember once my cousin “lost his damn mind” with my Grandmother and my father, after collecting him from thirty miles away, slapped him so hard that he was physically unable to cry. His glasses went crooked on his face but before he could fix them, my dad just slapped the other side and they just popped right back into place. My sister and I just sat there mesmerized. I know there are those of you who are appalled and ready to call protective services but A. He was only borderline abusive and B. My cousin had it coming and C. It was 25 years ago, so calm down. My sister and I, as well as our cousins, may have made our mistakes but my dad made sure that the basic values – Do Unto Others, Respect Your Elders, Live Up To Your Responsibilities, Don’t Pee In The Pool, etc… were beat into us. (No Harm, No Foul)
Now I am sure that Big Mama would be able to save every family (Some children are just born evil) but I assure you that little boy would have pissed in a fern-free toilet.
For those of you who have never seen this monstrosity, the premise is this: Families with out of control children of various ages ask the show for help and “voila!” a British Nanny appears and fixes the children by using time-out stools, charts, and to my personal horror removing televisions from the children’s rooms. More often than not the Nanny also primly and properly draws attention to the many problems in the parent’s marriage. Sounds outstanding, right? WRONG! These families are nuts, completely and totally certifiably crazy. In one episode (I kid you not) a 3 year old didn’t like using the bathroom in the house so when he had “to make” the mother took him outside to pee on bushes. The Nanny’s answer: Filling the bathroom with potted plants to ease his “tension”. Are you kidding me? Here is my answer – Cancel Nanny 911 and premier “Big Mama 911”. You find a family with out of control children of various ages and you send in a Strong Black Woman. Now I warn you, there will be no charts or time out stools but I guarantee you that the problems will be handled and it will make for good quality viewing. A kid has a habit of biting people? Don’t reason with him- Bite him back. Parents are repeatedly called to the school for bad behavior – Send Big Mama up to the school in her lemon-yellow house dress, dirty slippers and pink hair rollers and let her beat the daughters ass right outside the Principal’s Office.
Now let me clarify some things for you. Not all black women are “Big Mamas” and not all “Big Mamas” are big (but it does help). I also assume that not all “Big Mamas” are black but I have never seen a White one (however, I have also never seen a Big Foot but after approximately 23 Sci-Fi channel specials I am certain they exist). A “Big Mama” rules the roost, so to speak. They take no flack from anybody, they are set in their ways, and generally have a strong moral compass. They feed you when you are hungry, hold you when you are hurt, and will not hesitate to slap all of the taste out of your mouth. In my family, the Big Mama was my father (we didn’t actually call him that, it was just an honorary title). I remember once my cousin “lost his damn mind” with my Grandmother and my father, after collecting him from thirty miles away, slapped him so hard that he was physically unable to cry. His glasses went crooked on his face but before he could fix them, my dad just slapped the other side and they just popped right back into place. My sister and I just sat there mesmerized. I know there are those of you who are appalled and ready to call protective services but A. He was only borderline abusive and B. My cousin had it coming and C. It was 25 years ago, so calm down. My sister and I, as well as our cousins, may have made our mistakes but my dad made sure that the basic values – Do Unto Others, Respect Your Elders, Live Up To Your Responsibilities, Don’t Pee In The Pool, etc… were beat into us. (No Harm, No Foul)
Now I am sure that Big Mama would be able to save every family (Some children are just born evil) but I assure you that little boy would have pissed in a fern-free toilet.
again you started my day off with a little humor and a whole lot of truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm delighted my novel, THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF BELLE CANTRELL, is one of your favorites. It took me a year to research and three to write, so it means a lot to me that you enjoyed it. I like your blog. You're my kind of uppity woman.
ReplyDeleteOk, a few things today. I saw the bush-peeing episode too and was mortified. There's just no excuse.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I sat here and read this aloud to my husband and he may have sprayed beer through his nose. And you know my husband: he does not like to waste beer.
Like wine, you just get better with age, my dear.