My Jinxed Vagina

Sometimes I wonder if I was born with the problem that I have. If my mother’s OB/GYN announced at my joyous arrival into the world, “Congratulations ma’am, it’s a girl! 6 lbs. 3 oz., 21 inches long and…it… looks…like a ….jinxed vagina!” Or perhaps I just pissed somebody off bad enough and they put some sort of crazy voodoo on my junk (Back in the day, when I was dating Jose Cuervo, I had a horrible habit of kissing other girls boyfriends and I may have made a few enemies). Regardless of how it happened, it happened – I am walking around town with a jinxed vagina. “A JINXED VAGINA? THAT’S CRAZY!” you say. I know it sounds that way but let me prove my point.

Throughout my dating life I have met perfectly wonderful men: College Students, Dee Jays, Prison Guards, Captains of Industry (actually one was a bar tender and the other worked at a video store but they both planned to own their own businesses one day). They were all cute and said the nicest things to me, a couple of them even took me to dinner, and then amazingly after I slept with them (enter the jinxed vagina, no pun intended) they went crazy. They started smoking crack and stealing money from my purse. I am fairly certain that two are now bisexuals. Most of them became potheads, some of them had warrants, and one, maybe two, ended up on house arrest. How could I take these great guys and ruin them with my cursed vagina. I mean I feel so bad. I had just met them and I had to go and sleep with them that first night and ruin their lives. If only I had put 2 and 2 together more quickly, I could have saved so many lives.

So I was sitting on my couch thinking about all of the damage my Britney had done, when I remembered the most random incident - My then boyfriend, now my stupid ex-husband (Oddly I tried to have his name legally changed to that but apparently there is some sort of law that forbids you from changing someone else’s name without their knowledge. I assured the judge that I would assume the cost of changing his license but it was still a legal no-go.) Anyway, my then boyfriend asks me if he can take my debit card and run to the store. My first thought was HELLLL NO! I didn’t let him know I didn’t trust him I just said I’d go too because I had to pick up a few things. Smart, huh? My momma didn’t raise any dummies! I'm not exactly sure why that story occurred to me at just that moment but it was as though the sky opened up and a heavenly choir chorused a song of knowledge upon my ears……….

What if, just what if, I had shown the same exclusivity with my vagina that I do with my ATM pin number? What if I only gave the nookie to people I trusted? Could I have been wrong all of this time and my vagina is perfectly normal not unlucky at all? Maybe it’s a good vagina, a nice vagina!

So I decided, right then, and right there, to try something new. I was going to get to know the next guy I dated, I would kiss and hug, snuggle and spoon but the panties would stay in place until I atually knew him, trusted him – And it worked! I have been married now for 7 years to a fantastic man who doesn’t smoke crack, hasn’t stolen my T.V., and I’m fairly certain he has no warrants or gay lovers. I am overjoyed!

I guess the moral of my story is Never give your business to someone you wouldn’t trust with your pin number – You can always make more money but God only gives you one who-ha, TREAT IT RIGHT!