Lies I've Told My Children

Given the fact that my history with the opposite sex is less than stellar, it must have been some sort of cosmic joke that I out of my four children, three of them had penises (or is it peni – the plural of octopus is octopi, so it would stand to reason). In addition to my complete and utter lack of understanding of the male species, I also lack a strong maternal instinct. Understand that I do love my children limitlessly but adult-child communication never came naturally to me. My only sibling was only 2 years younger than me and I didn’t have any regular babysitting gigs as a teenager (actually my first real job was as a Peer Educator with Planned Parenthood, counseling teens on safe sex. I got fired for getting pregnant, I was 16. How is that for hysterical?) So, I just saw babies and verbally challenged little leaky things. Toddlers freak me out a bit more because of my very real and profound fear of things that scurry (i.e.; rats, squirrels, aliens, two year-olds, etc.) Therefore when I found myself pregnant, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be one of those mothers that goo-gaa’d at their children and made up funny words for unfunny body parts (My Grandma called a penis a dingy for years. That’s right, when referring to the male sex organ she substituted the word for a little boat. Makes you wonder about my Grandpa doesn’t it?). I wanted to teach my kids the right words for things and make them intelligent creatures instead of adorable tiny morons. And that is exactly what I did, for a little bit. Never has a mother been so proud than when I put my 3 year old in the grocery cart and he screamed through the store, “This cart is squishing my testicles”. I was brimming with delight when my middle son announced to his second grade class that Lincoln was a sell-out, He owned slaves- it was a political decision. These are the moments that make a mom like me swell with pride.

But then it happened, the children started asking hard questions, embarrassing questions and once there were four of them I just didn’t have time to explain some things. When asked why Jesus never came to church, I debated explaining it to them logically and then anticipated a forty minute conversation about the resurrection, and ER was starting soon… So I told them that because everybody was in church on Sunday morning it was the best time for Jesus to do his weekly shopping. They bought it and I was able to slip into bed ON TIME for my weekly date with George Clooney! After my daughter was born and the boys asked why some people have penises (peni, I’m still not sure) and others have vaginas. I told them that it was like in basketball when one team wore the dark uniforms and others wore the light – It was how God keep them teams straight. My oldest then quizzed, “Well, who’s winning?” I didn’t hesitate to tell him “Right now, the boys”. He smiled and walked away. After I married my current husband, my youngest son, still dealing with the changes of a new household set up, innocently asked “How come you guys sleep with the door closed? You and my dad never did!” How could I tell this cherub cheeked little boy “It’s because your father and I little-to-no physical chemistry and it would take more time and energy to close the door than to….. Well, you get the idea?” So, I just told him that his new stepfather’s mother still made him wear Spider-Man underwear and he was scared that they might find out. He said he understood and wouldn’t tell the other kids because they might laugh.

Am I proud that I occasionally took the easy way out and fudged the truth here and there? Not really but for the most part my kids got a solid start. They all preferred Al Green to Barney tunes, they always realized that just because we didn’t have a lot there were always people who have much less, and my daughter always knew it was called a Vagina (we call it Mr. Miyagi now but that’s a different story). But just in case my children ever see this I feel like I should clear up a few things:

1. Superman is NOT lactose intolerant.
2. I was NOT a virgin when I met any of your fathers.
3. Jesus doesn’t ONLY love honor role students.
4. Our dog Mo did not run away (let’s just leave it at that)
5. I cannot tell just by looking at you if you have been masturbating.
6. And the courts didn’t actually find your Grandmother legally insane – I was just mad at her when I told you that.