* Despite what people may think there are things I will NOT write about. However, this is not one of them. Therefore I must warn my mother, Aunt Becky, and Aunt Barbie that this entry is about sex and it could potentially embarrass you. Aunt Jackie, I know you will just be proud!
During a recent intimate moment with my hubby, I realized that I was holding my arm in a retarded person’s position. My right elbow was bent, my forearm was flat against my chest, and my hand was bent foreword and flailing and grasping at my right shoulder (Kudos to Mr. Fisher for inspiring temporary cerebral palsy). Once the seizures stopped and I noticed my awkward pose I quickly resolved the situation and found a more flattering posture but quite frankly, retarded arm broke my concentration and it took almost half an hour for me to get back in the mental groove (that’s right I said I had another half an hour to find my groove… again, kudos to Mr. Fisher). Anyway it spurred me to thinking about all of the non-flattering positions and noises of sexual encounters past, and just let me tell they are vast!
There are my instinctual deep guttural moans that seem to manifest whenever that certain spot is hit. I know moaning should be sexy but believe me at my worst I can sound like a hybrid moose/donkey being anally probed. So I really have to concentrate on keeping the vocalizations a little more “sexy” and a little less "tipped cow". I mean, seriously, porn has set the bar really high for us normal, non-professional, girls. Never once have I never heard Jenna Jameson groan like she has one foot in the gas chambers while she is pulling a train with a bevy of overly endowed bikers. And for that matter, I have never noticed an unfortunate queef (that’s the technical term for when your cooter farts) slip in a porno either, even the super-dirty ones but if I am flipped into the wrong position during the old in-and-out and it sounds like I have a whoopee cushion stashed in my hoo-haw.
And don’t even get me started on my boobs (I call them Betty and Veronica). Having large, REAL breasts can be a gift and a curse past the age of 35. If I am not careful with my positioning, things can go completely askew. If am on my back, I have to try my best to look as natural as possible while holding my upper arms close to my body to hold my breasts in place (and not allowing them to slide to the side where my nipples end up parallel to my armpits).
There is the also ongoing humiliation of poor sex lighting. I try my hardest to "enjoy myself" only in the darkest of rooms but that damn moon keeps illuminating my window blinds. An adding to that because of my skin color, I tend to glow in the dark. I know that you think I am kidding but my skin does genuinely glow for a good ten to fifteen minutes after the light goes off. Which would be great if I had at any time planned on taking up night jogging but I don't think that will ever happen, so for now I just try to keep my day-glo ass covered until the initial brightness dims.
Even with all of that, though, sex can be a wonderful thing. Something for two people (or more if you are slutty) who love each other (or at least find each other mildly attractive) to do in the darkest room, in the sexiest position, and the quietest way possible. To all of you I say, good luck an just keep practicing... I know I will!
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