This past Friday we had a Staff Day at work. You know... awards, trainings, boxed lunches, and 48 co-workers sitting in a circle singing Kumbaya while the last 2 sit off to the side and complain LOUDLY! But as a fun activity to end the day, we had a library "Treasure Hunt". I was psyched! The clues were book based! And I love mysteries and I love to win! This was perfect, except that the library is three floors and the elevators are slow, so my teammates wanted to do the stairs. Are you kidding me? After the first clue, on the 2nd floor, I thought I would die. From then on, they took the stairs and I took the elevator (We came in 2nd - in no way due to my lack of physical fitness! I promise!)
Anyway, after 40 years I have finally accepted something about myself. I am the least physically fit person in the world. Now when I say this, I am not referring to weight. There are people FAR bigger than me who are FAR more fit that I am and I am positive that Calista Flockart's boney ass could walk up a flight of steps without getting winded. To be honest, I WISH I could blame the weight but even at my thinner moments, physical fitness just "wasn't my thing"! As far back as I can remember I have just always been a lot happier in a stationary position. (Although I did enjoy dance class when I was 7 and riding my bike around to look at boys with friend Tracie, in Junior High.)
In elementary school I dreaded the days when we had to take the Presidential Fitness Test in gym class. I mean, seriously what the hell did Jimmy Carter care if I changed into my "gym class tennis shoes" and successfully climbed a rope, after running a quarter of a mile and doing 50 push-ups? In my opinion, that is time I could have been studying math (my very worst subject!). I'll bet Chinese children weren't doing obstacle courses for the Emperor's Fitness Test. No, they weren't! They were slowly but surely taking over the world while chubby little 5th graders like me were crying on the sidelines with rope-burned thighs because I wasn't gonna earn the coveted Presidential Fitness Patch. What was Jimmy Carter thinking? (Actually Lyndon B. Johnson started that dumb shit but Jimmy Carter was my personal torturer, so I blame him!) I understand the desire to have a physically fit nation, but asking me to do sit-ups while an angry lesbian gym teacher and a room full of my peers watched, taunted and judged did not do much for my self-esteem. Nobody ever makes the stupid kid stand in front of the class and take a verbal IQ test while the teacher holds a stop watch and screams his last name impatiently, do they? NO! I probably could have handled that, but I just don't see how my life would've been any better if I hadn't caught the "fat-kid cramp" during my deep knee bends and could've completed the "task at hand".
I know that I should get into better shape. I honestly would like to be able to bend over without feeling woozy. (Yesterday when I was putting away the dishes, I dropped a fork and had to pick it up with my toes and rewash it. In my defense though, I was still a little sore from walking up that flight of stairs the day before.) Anyway, I am going to try harder to exert myself a bit more physically and maybe get into better shape but I plan to do so on my terms. Maybe I'll start slowly by walking my dog around the block and build from there. But however I do it, it won't be in hopes of earning any stupid Presidential Fitness Patch and in the off chance I get REALLY fit and I eventually do climb a damn rope to the ceiling of Laketown Elementary School... Former Presidents Carter and Clinton better accompany me and President Obama to Maverick Steakhouse where I want both the Bushes to buy us dinner and Cheney to serve it, in uniform! (Now doesn't that sound better than getting some damn patch)!
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