One of the things I hold most dear about my childhood is the fact that my sister and I were always surrounded by animals. (No, we weren't raised in a zoo. Sometimes it seemed like it though.) Our parents just allowed us almost every pet we desired. Gerbils, Hamsters, Rabbits, we had a duck that lived in our pool one summer (granted he was there strictly by choice but we fed him), and dogs, lots and lots of dogs. We didn't, however, get the pig my sister wanted or the kitten I wanted (my dad was afraid of cats, we went to look at them once and he almost cried). But like I said, we had dogs, a kennel in fact. Our family used to raise and show dogs in competitions like the ones you see on Animal Planet. It was really, really fun! We had Afghan Hounds, Australian Terriers, Dobermans, German Shepards and a Great Dane. And we had puppies. We always had PUPPIES! For most part, everybody loved the fact that we had dogs. That is except for "Tammy". "Tammy" was a big fat thorn in my side!
She was light skinned with a big bushy afro, and FAT, super fat, fatter than I have ever been. She stomped around school looking like a big yellow sun! And she was mean really, REALLY mean, especially to me! The thinner I got, the meaner she got. The thing was we didn't start out as enemies, we started out pretty friendly. We had some mutual friends, so she had come to some of my infamously, fabulous sleepovers. But then one day she started telling everyone that our house smelled like dog. (It probably did but that was beside the point.) One minute we were friends and the next minute she had dubbed my house the "Dog House". When she realized that people were believing her she just started making things up. By the end of the school year, she had nearly convinced people that our house was hording packs of feral dogs and our carpet was made of canine feces and hair. I don't even know what I did to her. I really don't. She was just an evil girl. But eventually, the teasing stopped, the rumors faded and everything got back to normal. However, "Tammy" and I stayed enemies. Which was just fine with me. (As she got larger, so did my popularity. Ha - Ha) When I had parties I didn't invite her and I felt NO sympathy when people started calling her "Big Tam". Why should I have compassion when she had none? But then something happened in gym class that changed everything.
"Big Tam" and I had the same gym class, which resulted in a lot of dirty looks on my part and name calling on hers (It's not that I didn't want to call her names but I was scared! That heifer was nearly twice my size!) But the worst part was the locker room, she seemed to be at her most wicked in those 5 to 10 minutes (In restrospect, I understand that it was because she was incredibly self conscious but back then I was just trying to dodge the verbal bullets). But on that one day, after one of her tirades she had told her friends (amazingly, she had a few) that she would meet them on the court and then slipped into one of the bathroom stalls. I was late changing, so I ended up following her to the door.
Now I tell you in the spirit of full disclosure that when I saw what I saw I contemplated not telling her but I found my moral compass and tried to do the right thing. I said, "Tammy, I need to talk to you."
She said, "Shut up!"
"Please, I need to talk to you. Right now! Before you go out there," I pleaded.
She snapped, "I ain't no lesbo! Stop begging me!" I then remember her cackling a hideous laugh (but honestly that could have been from the Wizard of Oz).
She was almost out the door and I tried one last time, "I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO WANT TO HEAR THIS!"
And then she was out the door. She turn around to face me, her back to her friends and the rest of the class. "Bitch," she yelled. "I don't want to hear shit from your dumbass!" And once again everyone laughed... but this time not at me.
You see "Big Tam" had come out of the bathroom stall with her bloody super maxi-pad stuck to the back of her leg. People teased her for a long time after that and despite our enemy status, I didn't enjoy it (Yet it is good to know that I am not the only person who has Olives and Underpants moments). I did try to tell her but her evilness got in the way.
So, in the battle of
Dog House vs. Super Pad,
I declare Dog House the winner!
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