Fat Cougars in Tube Tops!

I would like to use today's blog as a platform against yet another growing problem in today's society... What problem is that? Well, I would like to talk about the hordes of women over 30 (sometimes, well over 30) who refuse to dress or act "age or weight appropriately"!

Let me tell you what I saw today when I stopped at the little grocery store in my neighborhood before work. The over 40 year old cashier, who totaled my purchases, was wearing white leggings with lace around the ankles under hot pink short - shorts, a white tank top (no bra), and a hot pink and yellow jacket. (THIS WAS HER WORK ATTIRE). Her hair extensions were piled on top of her head in an "I Dream of Genie" ponytail and the whole time that she was waiting on me she was telling a co-worker how she couldn't find a "good man". (I wanted to scream "Perhaps it is due to your Chuck E. Cheese inspired outfit!) It was because of this (and thousands of other fashion tragedies) that I have put together a small help list for those who may be confused.

1. If the word "baby" is in the item (i.e; Baby Doll tees, Baby Doll dresses, etc...), it is not made for the middle-aged or the chunky!
   
   
2. If you wear (or need to wear) Spanx, you should not shop at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, PacSun, or Wet Seal!
   
   
3. Skinny Jeans are for the SKINNY!!!!
   
   
4. Just because they make size 3X Tweety Bird shirts, does not mean that 275 lb. women should wear those shirts around town. (Rule of thumb: Once you weigh more than 250 pounds you should not wear bright yellow... you will just look like the sun!)
   
   
5. Women over 30 should NEVER wear tee shirts emblazoned with hard-core rap artists or scenes from the movie Twilight!
   
   
6. After the age of 35, do not pierce anything new but your ears. If you have made it that long, you can do without it!
   
   
7. If your toes are curled over the front of your shoes, gripping on like a monkey's toes, the shoes do NOT fit.
   
   
8. No matter how sexy or youthful you are, the pleated mini-skirt schoolgirl look should not be worn outside of the bedroom after the age of 25. (Seriously don't, not even on Halloween. It just looks skanky!)
   
   
9. SpongeBob Squarepants drawstring pants are not made for 40 year old women.
   
   
10. If your nipples hang even with your elbows, tube tops are no longer an option.
    
    
11. If you have a Dunlap, hide it with well fitting pants and shirts. (Definition of Dunlap: the part of fat girl's stomach that "dunlaps" over the front of her cooter box)
    
    

Now these are just a few helpful hints.

Please review and make the appropriate wardrobe adjustments if necessary.

Thank you for your support!

P.S. If any of you would like to add to this list, I invite any and all contributions.