I'mmmmmmm Back!

I know, I know... it's been awhile and before I left, I promised at least one blog a week. I have failed you but I have a REALLY good excuse.... I'm lazy. That's it, that is the truth - I AM LAZY but I promise I will try hard to make it up to you. But first things first, let's re-cap some of the things that have happened in my world (and yours) since last we last spoke. O.K. Here it goes:

• Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Teddy Kennedy have all passed away,
• Sarah Palin generously resigned as the Governor of Alaska,
• my granddaughter turned 3 and I turned... well, 29 again,
• I chipped my two front teeth tearing open a pack of Kool-Aid,
• I changed garbage collectors (my husband got in a fight with our old providers after they reclaimed the 65 gallon tote that we had stolen from the neighbor's house after the tenants moved away - he claimed after 6 months it was ours "fair and square" and they had No right to reclaim it -even if we hadn't paid for it),
• Tyra went on television wig-less and weave-less,
• my arch-nemesis "Oprah" has announced her impending possible retirement... again,
• I had to replace our toilet seat because the old one broke (seemingly under the weight of my ass),
• I got a new pair of orange Keds,
• I started channeling my creative juices into baking and have inundated my friends, family and the drug dealers next door with cupcakes ranging in flavors from white chocolate to coffee & Kahlua,
• Kanye went completely and totally crazy, and...
• last but not least, due to "budgetary constraints" I was laid off from my job at our local Library!

Now, I know what you are thinking! OMG, I can't believe what a GREAT summer she had! And I say to you, neither can I!

And I'll bet you are wondering, what in the world is I am doing with my time?

Finishing my novel?

Volunteering at the local food pantry?

Learning to speak Italian?

Reading to the blind?

Not quite... I have, however, re-watched every episode of the Golden Girls. I really have made dozens upon dozens of cupcakes (Seriously, my drug-dealing neighbors love me! Think about it Munchie driven drug dealers + Bored Ghetto Martha Stewart = Symbiotic Relationship) And one afternoon, I took an impromptu trip to the local adult novelty store and bought a vibrating finger sleeve that I had seen in a late-night t.v. commercial (The instruction say it can be used alone or with a partner, however, I have had it for two weeks now and I have only had it out of the case twice. Both times I was alone for the day and just walked it around house with it on my finger like some vibrating thimble. One of the times though, I did submerse my hand in a sink full of water just to see if it was, indeed, water-proof... it is.) Anyway, I have probably not been making quite as good use of my time (or adult toys) as I should be.

Not to pressure myself, but shouldn't I have solved our nation's health care crisis by now?

Or, stood on a corner near the State Capitol building holding signs in protest of something or another?

Or, at the very least, thrown away the busted toilet seat patched together with white duct tape that is currently propped up in the bathroom in ridiculous effigy to the breadth of my ass!?

I've got to get my act together! If Whitney can kick a crack habit, drop a new album, and successfully convince anyone who will listen that Bobby is The Devil, I should be able to figure out why the fuck I have 5 cans of Condensed Milk (some dating back to 2001) in my kitchen cabinet. I don't remember ever having used or, worse yet, buying Condensed milk!

So, today I am challenging myself to change my ways! (Suggestion: hum "Man in the Mirror" while reading the rest of this, it will be waaayyyy more dramatic that way.)

I am going to volunteer more!

I am going to spend no less than 2 hours a day writing!

I am going to become more politically active!

I am going to actually put away the clean silverware and stop using it straight out of the strainer!

Today is a new day and I am going to be a new me.... and as soon as the Golden Girls go off, I am up and at'em!